Dial A for Amazons

Reluctant ichthyosaur is coaxed into position for the filming of Amazons of Malaya sometime in the early 1930s

Part-time Buddhist and full-time fantasist Orson 'Palm Trees' Palmer reveals more in my speculative noir Zen City, Iso...

     “Psst. Hey, Palm Trees...”

     “What?”
     “You awake, chum?”
     “No.”
     “You know what Mohawk said this afternoon?”
     “No.”
     “He reckons you used to be a film star back in London.”
     I take the bait and sit up on my elbow. “Film star? Not ruddy likely. I was involved in films but I was nothing more than a glorified bullshit salesman really.”
     “What’s that when it’s at home?”
     “In my youth I used to work for a bloke called Reg Strode. He ran a small film company near the Crystal Palace, distributing south of the river. I helped with the publicity. He only did three films, Amazons of Malaya, Amazons of Hawaii and yes – you’ve guessed it – Amazons of Timbuktoo. He used a bunch of girls from a local glue factory who he blacked up and dressed in grass skirts. The explorer was always this ex-music hall bloke called Bertie Bridges and Mohawk – before becoming a sailor – was roped in as the muscular witch doctor. Strode had a mistress who worked in the Hornimans Museum in Forest Hill and he used her to borrow props from the Peoples of the Empires display. Nicked a monster from the local park, too.”     
     “So what did you do then?”
     “Like I said, I was the bullshit salesman. For Malaya I had this shop dummy done out native style with her knockers showing and arranged for it to be nicked from outside the Penge Picture Palace. That got in the local papers. And for Hawaii I got two petitions going, one to get it banned and one to let it open. But my finest hour was Timbuktoo when I got a picket going to protest the lewd content and threatening the public good. Needless to say it was standing room only in the Palace.”      
     “You’re a card, all right,” says Taff. “You must have made a mint.”
     “Not on your life! Shortly after Timbuktoo closed Strode did a runner and none of us saw a shilling. The Amazons went back to the factory, the Witch Doctor joined the Navy and the Explorer ended his days kitted out as Percy the Penguin flogging popcorn on Brighton pier.”
     “What happened to you?”
     “That is highly valued biographical information and only given on a need to know basis, Taff.”
     It all goes quiet for a bit and I close my eyes.

Lost Movies from the Big Z

Hapless hitman Percy Nuttle (played by Henry Rome) before his fateful encounter with serial pet shop owner Madge Miggins (Ethel White) on the 6.30 train to Penge. Due to be released in 1939 the entire film stock of Kiss the Blood Off My Hamster was lost during the Blitz. Only a few tantalising stills and a postcard are all that survive.

Now completely forgotten by the British public, Rome and White were once the biggest celebrities of their day. They worked on many British movies together, including the legendary The Shadow of Siam.

Mayor of Cologne issues new guidelines!

In response to the ‘issues’ that arose during New Year’s eve, Henriette Reker has issued new guidelines for women and girls:

• Keep all men at arm's length
• Do not make eye contact with men when out in public
• Do not go out in public unless accompanied by a man who is a relative
• Dress modestly at all times
• Do not expose one’s bare flesh of the arms, legs, ankles, neck, waist or other areas that may inflame the passions of men
• Do not communicate with strangers as this may inflame the passions of men
• When reporting incidents of verbal aggression, molestation and rape do not refer to men as being of ‘Arabic’ or ‘North African’ origin as this may inflame the passions of men   

The Mayor thanked Angela Merkel, the city police, the German state media and Saudi Arabia for their help in drawing up these guidelines.

GREEK GOVERNMENT SECURES STUNNING VICTORY!

From his office in a waste recycling bin, the Spartan King, ‘Leonidas’ Tsipras, made an historic announcement – that after three hundred days of severe financial hardship, riots, suicides and unpaid taxes, he had secured a stunning victory over the EU, Chancellor von Merkel, the Troika, Queen Elsa, Frodo Baggins and the Persians. As from next week the people of Sparta will be subjected to unprecedented austerity and slavery for at least a thousand years. 

Varoufuckedoffopolus, the general in charge of the treasury, said it was Sparta’s greatest victory since the Wehrmacht entered Athens in 1941.

Steve Sack

UPDATE:

An EU spokesperson said the decision to subject Greece to a thousand years of austerity will only serve to strengthen democracy and prosperity throughout Europe.

Another EU spokesperson has confirmed that Sepp Blatter will become President for Life.

Yet another EU spokesperson has confirmed that bears do not shit in the woods and the Pope doesn’t wear a funny hat.

Lord Sewer Rat issues furious denial!

The House of Bawds peer furiously denied allegations made in a British tabloid yesterday. Lord Sewer Rat said, “I have never fulfilled my duties to the high standards expected of rich, privileged people like me. I have never claimed less than two hundred pounds a day in public monies to pay for drugs and prostitutes. Furthermore, I have always worn orange bras and leather jackets to work. I have done my best to take Class A drugs as much as I possibly can and be rude about my colleagues. And I should like to add that I have nothing but the utmost respect for those wonderful slopes – I mean Asian women – who try to make ends meet by having sex with me for money.”

Steve Bell, Guardian

Meanwhile, the Prime Minister said he was shocked by such ‘inappropriate’ behaviour – and would immediately put plenty of new peers into the House so they could also wear orange bras, take lots of illicit drugs and have sex with slopes.

1864

ANIMAL LOVE

In the nineteenth century, Denmark suffers a severe case of stereotyping. Noblemen are degenerate, politicians are corrupt, country folk noble and gypsies wear floppy felt hats (bearing uncanny resemblance to hobbits). Denmark invades a small province with a silly name because everyone goes mad at the same time. Meanwhile, in the twenty-first century, a miserable girl with pierced skin steals from an old man who doesn’t comb his hair properly.  

So the Prussians (who also suffer severe stereotyping) put on very big hats with skulls on, march in and give the Danes a bloody good hiding.

Funded by a resentful Danish public.   

100 years later Denmark is famous for hard-core porn production.